I'm not your lover. I'm not your friend.

How do we forgive our fathers? Maybe in a dream. Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little? Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all...do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers? Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers? And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness? Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning? For shutting doors or speaking through walls? For never speaking, or never being silent? Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs? Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it. If we forgive our fathers, what is left?

I can't remember a time where I was ever as happy as I am now...if I could feel like this forever...well that would be alright with me.



i want to freeze time...unless the future gets better. because in that case, let the good times roolllll!!

So I may or may not be leaving for the Cape on my birthday...I hope I am. I'll be really upset if I can't go after all the planning and how hard I've worked so I could go.

Out of all the good times and bad times in my life, I still without a doubt think the drive to Washington last summer was the best memory I've ever had. Even though I can't have that back, or re-live it, sometimes I wish I could...it felt infinite at the time, like we would never have to part. City by city, state by state...I wouldn't trade that memory for anything in the world. It was great...no fights, no anger...just smiles, kisses, hugs, and 150 pictures all to document the best road trip I could've ever imagined...

oh the memories...

i've just been so frustrated the past few days...i miss my boyfriend...one more week and 2 days until im on my way to see him. its just that like, i have bad days, and usually his hugs fix everything, but i can't hug him cuz hes 2609 miles away. i know he loves me, and he knows i love him, but its just like i get so flustered by the fact that i can't see him sometimes, and it just feels like the time can't go by ANY slower...i feel like i'm not losing any weight even though i work out EVERY day and eat sooo much healthier than i ever have...i just feel like all my hard work in everything is going to hell. im trying to stay upbeat about paul being gone, and really i am ok with it, its just sometimes i miss him SO much i just become beside my self with sadness...

9 days.....9 days....

i just have to keep reminding myself that its almost here...

so i've been working with my personal trainer and i've lost 5 lbs in two weeks :)

things are goooooood <33

paul and i are back together..

4/10/08<3

starting over.

if theres one thing i learned tonight, its that boys, good and bad, will come and go.

some will steal your heart, some will break your heart, and some will put it back together. for the most part, they'll do the first two.

but the only way we can make it through, is if we have good friends there for us who will listen with out judgement, tell us the truth without disdain, and have faith that we can carry on. friends who will help us be better people, and accept us when we make mistakes.

i have a friend who has been infected with an incurable disease, and this is her turning point.

one day it might kill her, but from here on out she will be strong.

and i'm gonna back her up the whole time. it is our friends who help us in times of need, and right now a lot of my friends are in need. all i can hope, is that when i need them, they'll be here too.

my ex and i drove to washington together, it was the best 3 days of my life. we had a blast.

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

♥

so there was a misconception about something in my life.

if you're reading the stuff on my livejournal, myspace, and/or facebook, please stop assuming things that aren't true. i dont care if you read whats on these pages, thats why they're here, and why they aren't private. my life is an open book...

assuming you've read previous items i think you'll read this whoever you are.

if you really want to know whats going on with me, then ask.

thanks guys...

She says live up to your first impression
Come on, just say it
Well my best side was your worst invention
Why can't you live without the attention?
I need you defenseless, dependent, and alone

im convinced that like, people hate me for some reason...

its a growing trend to not like nice people i think.

maybe i should start sporting this trend as well.

NOT

♥

Although you said you never would
Just say it's done, and be gone.

my first therapy session went well, i just told him basically everything going on in my life.

and then i dyed my hair...it took 5 hours...it was insane.

and besides that i havent done anything...i havent left my apartment once today...wtf.

i had a crazy dream last night that i killed someone but it was ok because i admitted to it?? it was weird...

i think IM just weird...

who knows...

my first therapy session is in 6 hours...im kind of scared

these

the coats are splendid. (the non fur ones.)

fierce (click here) makeup and clothes.

why cant i lose 100 pounds and be a model. wtf. i wanna wear these clothes.

Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.

Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.



i love this movie.

if only sleep lasted longer than 8-12 hours. why do i not like anyone i swear...is it so hard for me to find someone i ACTUALLY like?? like really, please, God, i'm asking you to let me like someone just so i feel normal.

shit sucks. monday morning = call therapist.